


Falling Apart, and Falling Fast

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-03-24
Updated: 2005-03-24
Packaged: 2019-05-30 09:27:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15093908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: CJ and Josh fall together, like they always do.





	1. Falling Apart, and Falling Fast

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Falling Apart, and Falling Fast**

**by: Kansas J. Miller**

**Pairing(s):** CJ/Josh  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** CJ and Josh fall together, like they always do.   


**  
  
        Donna was tired. No, scratch that. She was exhausted, exhausted beyond the point of numbness, beyond the boundaries that normally kept her together. As she sat at her desk, staring into nothing, thoughts ran unchecked in her mind. Thoughts of work, of Josh, swirling and uncontrolled, random snippets of memory flooding in and out of Donna's brain. She'd never seen him this way before, and even though he was hiding his frustration well, Donna wasn't sure how soon he might break.  
        It was a screw up; they'd all screwed up and they'd all do it again before the next three years would pass. It was the punishment, Donna figured, the fact that Leo had taken his faith elsewhere. Angela Blake. She wasn't Josh, but she was doing his work, and Josh knew what that meant. Donna knew it, too, and she wondered for how long her boss would accept Leo's grudge.  
  
        "You know it's almost midnight, right?"  
  
        Donna shook out of her rambling thoughts to see CJ leaning against the bullpen wall. Running her hand through tousled blonde hair, Donna sighed and rolled her eyes. "I know. I'm just."  
  
        "I know," CJ murmured, instantly looking older than her years. "We all are."  
  
        Donna nodded, noticing CJ's blank stare. She knew what CJ had been going through lately; they had all been fighting their own battles. Donna's breath suddenly caught in her throat. There had once been a time when they would fight their battles together, as a team. It was falling apart, and falling fast.  
  
        Donna stood up, pushing herself away from the desk. "I should call Josh. Make sure he got home okay. He was a little out of it when he left."  
  
        CJ spoke softly as Donna reached for the phone. "He got home okay. He's at my place. I actually just came back to get his overcoat. It's going to be cold this weekend."  
  
        Donna tried not to look surprised as she met CJ's eyes. It was only now that she noticed Josh's coat folded over CJ's arms. "He's at your place?"  
  
        "I caught him in the parking lot, and you're right. He was a little out of it."  
  
        Donna swallowed. She knew the way CJ and Josh were, the way they had always been. It was off and on, on and off, on again, then off before anyone could ever tell the difference. It had been years since they had all stopped asking questions. But Donna still questioned, always wondered why they seemed to gravitate towards each other and move away just as quickly. Was it just sex? Was it for comfort during the hard times? Were they each other's filler during the lonely periods? Or was it something real, something that didn't need boundaries or restrictions?  
  
        Donna cleared her throat, realizing that she'd been silent for too long. "I thought you said he'd never come to you."  
  
        "When did I say that?" CJ was quick to respond, her tone a bit sharper than she'd intended.  
  
        Donna raised her eyes, now wide from the dull fear of confrontation with CJ. "After the birthday party. In the Mural Room.when we were talking. You said he'd never come to you."  
  
        CJ snorted softly, the sharpness in her voice gone. She rested her hand on her hip and stared down at the expensive wool of Josh's coat. "He comes to me for different things. It's complicated, Donna," she announced, suddenly grabbing Donna's eyes with her own. "We're complicated."  
  
        Donna nodded, wishing she were drunk. She bit the inside of her cheek, hoping she might bleed. The last time she'd had this discussion, it had been with Amy and the beer had made it so much simpler. Donna twisted her mouth and pushed forward. She had to know. "CJ, what exactly."  
  
        "Are we?" CJ interjected wryly, finishing the question. Shaking her head casually, the taller woman looked almost ready to chuckle. "You know what we are. Josh and I..we're just two people, Donna. Two people that somehow always end up in the same bed."  
  
        Donna nodded, not really understanding but wanting to pretend. "Comfort sex?"  
  
        The look on CJ's face startled Donna; maybe she shouldn't have said it so bluntly, so honestly. CJ was shaking her head, not angrily, but not complacently. "You've wanted him for years, Donna. When are you going to make your move? When are you going to go and get him? He's crazy about you but he doesn't know it yet, and he's not ever going to figure it out until someone tells him," CJ blurted out, her eyes strong and her face hard.  
  
        Donna felt stunned in place. "Then why do the two of you.why do you let him."  
  
        "I don't know, Donna, I don't know. It's just what we've always done," CJ said quietly, holding Josh's coat tightly to her body. She glanced around the dim and quiet bullpen, and then back at Donna. "I've got to get going."  
  
        Donna didn't move until CJ had disappeared from the bullpen, her heels just tiny clicks against the tile as she headed out into the lobby. As the door swung closed, Donna felt heaviness in the pit of her stomach, and she moved to gather her things. Dressed warmly in her coat, and with her bag packed and ready, Donna switched out the last light illuminating the area. Darkness fell over the bullpen, and Donna stood in the still, black silence, waiting for the pain in her chest to pass. CJ's words were echoing in her head, jumbling her thoughts together like crashing waves against rock. When was she going to make her move? When was she going to go and get him? Donna wondered if she even could at all. The sudden realization fell over Donna with sadness. It wasn't her that he went to, it was CJ. It had always been CJ, and it always would be. Even if Josh was not the man for CJ, and even if CJ was not the woman he loved, it was there just the same, anytime they wanted, needed another person. Donna smirked and began to walk, wondering if she might not come back on Monday. It was a glamorous thought, though slightly childish, and it began to grow in Donna's mind. She'd leave it all behind, Josh and CJ, and the rest of them. She'd leave them to their own devices, leave them to each other. It might be what they deserved, what they all had coming in the end, anyway. Reaching her car, Donna unlocked it and slipped inside, thinking about getting a tank of gas and her suitcase. As she navigated out of the White House parking lot, she began to drive home through the familiar streets. The route would take her right past CJ's apartment, and even though she swore she would not look, Donna couldn't help but glancing up at the glowing building. Third floor, third window, curtains pulled tight and a soft light on inside. Something pulled her eyes away, and harshly Donna pressed the accelerator, sped past, and thought about where she might be by Monday. 


	2. Falling Apart, and Falling Fast 02

**Falling Apart, and Falling Fast**

**by: Kansas J. Miller**

**Pairing(s):** CJ/Josh  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** CJ and Josh fall together, like they always do.   


* * *

**  
  
        CJ sighed as she rolled over once again. She couldn't stop tossing and turning, and despite the fact that it was a Friday night, there was nothing relaxed about it. Untangling the sheets from around her long legs, CJ tried once more to make herself comfortable in the bed, wishing she could pinpoint the cause of her sleeplessness. It was driving her crazy, and all at once, as she glanced over at his still form, CJ was filled with jealousy.  
  
        But of course Josh was asleep, CJ realized with a roll of her eyes. She had yet to meet a man who didn't drop off the instant the sex was over. As she settled back down against the pillows and pulled the sheets back over her bare skin, CJ made sure her elbow "accidentally" found it's way into Josh's back; two more times, and he was shifting towards her.  
  
        "What the hell is your problem?" Josh asked in a husky, low and amused voice, his arm snaking around CJ's waist. Soon his lips were against the back of her neck, his head resting against her hair.  
  
        "I don't have a problem," CJ murmured, wishing she could feel as sleepy as Josh sounded.  
  
        Kissing her neck again, Josh pulled CJ's naked back closer against his bare chest. "You elbowed me. I've slept in the same bed with you enough times to know what that means."  
  
        CJ sighed softly, twisting around so that she could be face to face with Josh. Lying eye to eye with her sent Josh's heart fluttering, and suddenly he was wide awake and pulling CJ closer. "What's wrong?" he asked in a whisper, brushing his lips briefly against hers.  
  
        CJ slipped her arms over Josh's shoulder as their legs somehow tangled together. Liking the feeling of his hands on her hips, CJ hummed as their groins made intimate contact. "I saw Donna tonight when I went back to get your coat."  
  
        Josh moved his lips down CJ's neck, kissing slowly and softly. "Yeah?"  
  
        "I think I upset her when I told her that you were here with me," CJ responded, aware of Josh's growing erection.  
  
        Josh's hands had begun to wander over CJ's body, and they stopped suddenly at the swell of her breast. Pulling his head back a bit to see her eyes, Josh raised a brow. "Why would she be upset? She knows that you and I."  
  
        CJ suddenly sat up, breaking the arousing contact their bodies had been engaged in. "She thinks that you and I use each other for sex when it's convenient or when one of us needs it. She thinks what everyone else thinks when they look and us."  
  
        Josh was startled by the hurt in CJ's voice. He moved slowly closer to her, tentatively sliding his hand over CJ's smooth back. When it was clear that she was not going to pull away again, Josh tightened his arm around her shoulders. "It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. They don't know us, CJ, and I'm surprised that it bothers you."  
  
        "Donna's in love with you, Josh. I told her that you loved her, too," CJ said quietly, staring down at her bare knees as she hugged them to her body.  
  
        Josh sat back, taking his arms away from CJ's back. They were silent for a moment, the traffic on the street the only noise filtering into the darkness of the bedroom. Josh finally cleared his throat, watching CJ as he spoke. "I don't love her, CJ. I don't! I know what everyone thinks about that, too, but they're just as wrong as they are about you and me. I don't understand why you would tell her that, CJ, why you would put me in that position!"  
  
        CJ felt the mattress dip, and soon Josh was pacing the room, his anger palpable. She watched him from the bed for a moment, biding her time before she got up and joined him in the middle of the room. "I call it like I see it, Josh, that's all," she offered in a neutral tone, folding her arms over her naked breasts.  
  
The room was dark, but light filtering through the blinds sent shadows over her face. Before he could even think, Josh grabbed CJ and pulled her body close, leading them back over to the bed, their mouths melting together with heat. Pushing her back down onto the mattress, and crawling over her body, Josh slid his arms possessively under and around her. Punctuating their hot, heavy, and drugging kisses with his words, Josh struggled with his feelings. "You don't see anything, CJ.you have no idea, no idea at all."  
  
        "I have no idea?" She murmured, pulling his mouth back to hers, moaning as she felt his knee slip between hers to separate her legs.  
  
        Josh raised himself up over CJ, positioning his erection at her entrance. Looking into her eyes with his emotional pair, he slid his hands down to pull her ass upwards, completing their connection. With twin groans, they stopped to savor the feeling, and Josh sighed against CJ's neck. "You have no idea what I feel, who I love, or what I want.not if you think it's Donna."  
  
        CJ pushed against Josh, urging him to move inside of her. With her arms bracing against Josh's muscled shoulders, and the fire growing to unbearable levels in her center, CJ could no longer focus on his words. "Josh, Josh, Josh.you can love whoever you want, but right now, you just need to move!"  
  
        Josh stared into CJ's blue eyes, staying completely still as he searched them. "This is important to me. You're important to me. Incredibly so. I can't believe you don't know that."  
  
        "What are you saying?" she gasped, her clitoris sparking with pleasure as Josh began to slowly move his hips.  
  
        "It's you, CJ, it's always been you," Josh groaned, suddenly rolling them over until CJ was on top. Their fingers instinctively threaded together as she began to ride him, and soon they were moaning in unison. Frantically their friction grew until an explosion was just the start.  
  
        Lying together, tangled and sweaty, Josh held CJ's body tightly against his, not willing to let her go even an inch. They were silent for a moment, catching their breaths and their thoughts. CJ spoke first. "If it's always been me, why are we this way?"  
  
        Josh smoothed CJ's hair, pressing a kiss to her temple. He sighed, not sure how to answer her. He responded with questions of his own. "Are we scared to be more? Do you think we'd be lying to each other? Do you feel like I'm lying to you now?"  
  
        "I don't feel like you're lying to me, Josh," CJ whispered, subconsciously tracing the scar on his chest with her index finger. "I trust you with everything. You're my best friend."  
  
        "And you are mine," Josh said matter-of-factly. He sighed, catching CJ's gaze. "That first time.when we fell together.didn't it feel perfect to you, too?"  
  
        CJ felt tears spring to her eyes. She had never wanted to reveal those feelings to Josh, because when she relived them, she was always so sure he had not felt the same thing. "Oh, Josh, you couldn't even know."  
  
        He smiled into the dark, satisfied with her truth. "I do know. It feels that way every single time, CJ."  
  
        CJ smirked, hoping she didn't sound too bitter. "Then why do you suppose days and days go by in between? I've stopped wondering if it will be another three weeks before you're here again. I already know."  
  
        Josh squeezed CJ's shoulder and put his lips softly to hers. They parted slowly. "I think we can change that, CJ. I think we should."  
  
        "Let's just take it easy, Josh.we're too old to be this stupid," CJ responded, closing her eyes. She was suddenly feeling very sleepy.  
  
        Josh noticed her drooping eyes and decided to drop the conversation. They'd said enough for one night. He had revealed enough. "Goodnight, Claudia Jean."  
  
        CJ snuggled closer to Josh, warm in the comfort of his arms. He had revealed so much to her tonight, and as she dropped off to sleep, CJ wondered where they were going. 


	3. Falling Apart, and Falling Fast 2

**Falling Apart, and Falling Fast**

**by: Kansas J. Miller**

**Pairing(s):** CJ/Josh  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** CJ and Josh fall together, like they always do.   


* * *

**  
  
        CJ sighed as she rolled over once again. She couldn't stop tossing and turning, and despite the fact that it was a Friday night, there was nothing relaxed about it. Untangling the sheets from around her long legs, CJ tried once more to make herself comfortable in the bed, wishing she could pinpoint the cause of her sleeplessness. It was driving her crazy, and all at once, as she glanced over at his still form, CJ was filled with jealousy.  
  
        But of course Josh was asleep, CJ realized with a roll of her eyes. She had yet to meet a man who didn't drop off the instant the sex was over. As she settled back down against the pillows and pulled the sheets back over her bare skin, CJ made sure her elbow "accidentally" found it's way into Josh's back; two more times, and he was shifting towards her.  
  
        "What the hell is your problem?" Josh asked in a husky, low and amused voice, his arm snaking around CJ's waist. Soon his lips were against the back of her neck, his head resting against her hair.  
  
        "I don't have a problem," CJ murmured, wishing she could feel as sleepy as Josh sounded.  
  
        Kissing her neck again, Josh pulled CJ's naked back closer against his bare chest. "You elbowed me. I've slept in the same bed with you enough times to know what that means."  
  
        CJ sighed softly, twisting around so that she could be face to face with Josh. Lying eye to eye with her sent Josh's heart fluttering, and suddenly he was wide awake and pulling CJ closer. "What's wrong?" he asked in a whisper, brushing his lips briefly against hers.  
  
        CJ slipped her arms over Josh's shoulder as their legs somehow tangled together. Liking the feeling of his hands on her hips, CJ hummed as their groins made intimate contact. "I saw Donna tonight when I went back to get your coat."  
  
        Josh moved his lips down CJ's neck, kissing slowly and softly. "Yeah?"  
  
        "I think I upset her when I told her that you were here with me," CJ responded, aware of Josh's growing erection.  
  
        Josh's hands had begun to wander over CJ's body, and they stopped suddenly at the swell of her breast. Pulling his head back a bit to see her eyes, Josh raised a brow. "Why would she be upset? She knows that you and I."  
  
        CJ suddenly sat up, breaking the arousing contact their bodies had been engaged in. "She thinks that you and I use each other for sex when it's convenient or when one of us needs it. She thinks what everyone else thinks when they look and us."  
  
        Josh was startled by the hurt in CJ's voice. He moved slowly closer to her, tentatively sliding his hand over CJ's smooth back. When it was clear that she was not going to pull away again, Josh tightened his arm around her shoulders. "It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. They don't know us, CJ, and I'm surprised that it bothers you."  
  
        "Donna's in love with you, Josh. I told her that you loved her, too," CJ said quietly, staring down at her bare knees as she hugged them to her body.  
  
        Josh sat back, taking his arms away from CJ's back. They were silent for a moment, the traffic on the street the only noise filtering into the darkness of the bedroom. Josh finally cleared his throat, watching CJ as he spoke. "I don't love her, CJ. I don't! I know what everyone thinks about that, too, but they're just as wrong as they are about you and me. I don't understand why you would tell her that, CJ, why you would put me in that position!"  
  
        CJ felt the mattress dip, and soon Josh was pacing the room, his anger palpable. She watched him from the bed for a moment, biding her time before she got up and joined him in the middle of the room. "I call it like I see it, Josh, that's all," she offered in a neutral tone, folding her arms over her naked breasts.  
  
The room was dark, but light filtering through the blinds sent shadows over her face. Before he could even think, Josh grabbed CJ and pulled her body close, leading them back over to the bed, their mouths melting together with heat. Pushing her back down onto the mattress, and crawling over her body, Josh slid his arms possessively under and around her. Punctuating their hot, heavy, and drugging kisses with his words, Josh struggled with his feelings. "You don't see anything, CJ.you have no idea, no idea at all."  
  
        "I have no idea?" She murmured, pulling his mouth back to hers, moaning as she felt his knee slip between hers to separate her legs.  
  
        Josh raised himself up over CJ, positioning his erection at her entrance. Looking into her eyes with his emotional pair, he slid his hands down to pull her ass upwards, completing their connection. With twin groans, they stopped to savor the feeling, and Josh sighed against CJ's neck. "You have no idea what I feel, who I love, or what I want.not if you think it's Donna."  
  
        CJ pushed against Josh, urging him to move inside of her. With her arms bracing against Josh's muscled shoulders, and the fire growing to unbearable levels in her center, CJ could no longer focus on his words. "Josh, Josh, Josh.you can love whoever you want, but right now, you just need to move!"  
  
        Josh stared into CJ's blue eyes, staying completely still as he searched them. "This is important to me. You're important to me. Incredibly so. I can't believe you don't know that."  
  
        "What are you saying?" she gasped, her clitoris sparking with pleasure as Josh began to slowly move his hips.  
  
        "It's you, CJ, it's always been you," Josh groaned, suddenly rolling them over until CJ was on top. Their fingers instinctively threaded together as she began to ride him, and soon they were moaning in unison. Frantically their friction grew until an explosion was just the start.  
  
        Lying together, tangled and sweaty, Josh held CJ's body tightly against his, not willing to let her go even an inch. They were silent for a moment, catching their breaths and their thoughts. CJ spoke first. "If it's always been me, why are we this way?"  
  
        Josh smoothed CJ's hair, pressing a kiss to her temple. He sighed, not sure how to answer her. He responded with questions of his own. "Are we scared to be more? Do you think we'd be lying to each other? Do you feel like I'm lying to you now?"  
  
        "I don't feel like you're lying to me, Josh," CJ whispered, subconsciously tracing the scar on his chest with her index finger. "I trust you with everything. You're my best friend."  
  
        "And you are mine," Josh said matter-of-factly. He sighed, catching CJ's gaze. "That first time.when we fell together.didn't it feel perfect to you, too?"  
  
        CJ felt tears spring to her eyes. She had never wanted to reveal those feelings to Josh, because when she relived them, she was always so sure he had not felt the same thing. "Oh, Josh, you couldn't even know."  
  
        He smiled into the dark, satisfied with her truth. "I do know. It feels that way every single time, CJ."  
  
        CJ smirked, hoping she didn't sound too bitter. "Then why do you suppose days and days go by in between? I've stopped wondering if it will be another three weeks before you're here again. I already know."  
  
        Josh squeezed CJ's shoulder and put his lips softly to hers. They parted slowly. "I think we can change that, CJ. I think we should."  
  
        "Let's just take it easy, Josh.we're too old to be this stupid," CJ responded, closing her eyes. She was suddenly feeling very sleepy.  
  
        Josh noticed her drooping eyes and decided to drop the conversation. They'd said enough for one night. He had revealed enough. "Goodnight, Claudia Jean."  
  
        CJ snuggled closer to Josh, warm in the comfort of his arms. He had revealed so much to her tonight, and as she dropped off to sleep, CJ wondered where they were going. 


End file.
